During my teenage years things began to change for me. Having gone through a lot of chaotic things within my own home, I felt a change within me from this energetic, joyful individual to someone who started struggling with anger and depression.
After a while, this battle within produced changes in my interests and hobbies in life. One of the first changes came in 9th grade or so. I had started to lose interest in sports and school, and that was the year that I made a decision that would practically impact the rest of my high school career and pretty much all of college. That decision was to try marijuana.
At the time, I believe I was the last of my friends to try it. I never was really a follower so "peer pressure" was a joke to me because no one really influenced me or biased my decision making besides myself. So I can't really blame my friends, really I blame myself. I was curious and decided "why not". So I tried it, and I liked it a lot. When I smoked, I felt like the kid I used to be when I was little ... always happy, goofy, funny, fun, on top of the world, no cares in the world, just peace. In a sense it was a self-medication for my ADHD (which I had always used sports to help balance my levels of energy), it took away the anger and the depression and replaced it with joy, laughter and peace.
So, I liked smoking marijuana. So I smoked. I wish I could say I only smoked with other people, but that would be false. I didn't need to smoke with anyone else. Matter of fact I was more than comfortable smoking by myself. I smoked everyday for about 6 years. I smoked everyday before school, after school, sometimes leaving school at lunch to smoke. I smoked before driving, before going out to socialize, before swimming in the ocean, or skiing or going to the movies. Heck I couldn't sleep unless I smoked before bedtime. Everything I did, I pretty much smoked before I did it. No one could tell. I was so comfortable in my "smoking" skin, it just became who I was. And after a while, people knew that's just what I did and it was accepted. I thought I couldn't be happy without marijuana and really I couldn't. I was a slave to marijuana, and I settled with the fact that I would probably smoke for the rest of my life. Keep in mind, I never did any other drugs, I was the kid who was against drinking because my dad's alcoholism had scarred me and I never wanted to repeat it, (I took my first drink my second year in college, only for social purposes ... and really I don't like drinking) ... and I never smoked one cigarette ever. It was just weed for me, and at the time, it was more than enough.
After a while though, I was a dog chasing his tail ... I was still empty, I still was hopeless. I wasn't getting far, just escaping reality, and reality was very easy to escape for me (I made many excuses to escape daily).
Coming into 10th grade, I lived a feel good life style. It was either my ego (reputation/social popularity), my marijuana, or a girl friend and sex. I've always been a lover (good and bad). And for me, I've always found comfort in having a girlfriend or someone that is there for you. For me, I always needed a girlfriend ... it gave me peace. In 10th grade, I started having sex/sexual relations ... and to be honest ... it felt good and I liked it. I don't want to say it became another escape, but in reality it did. My life was about escaping to the place where I could forget everything and "feel good". I constantly went in a circle from friends (ego), marijuana, and girlfriend (sex/companionship). Everyday of the week. And after a while I was content with it all. But I still had no hope, I wasn't progressing in "fixing" or "discovering" who I am and what my purpose is, and after a while it gave me the same feeling of "emptiness"... that I've always felt until I found the piece that perfectly filled the "hole" within my heart and soul. A relationship with God -- Jesus.
1 comment:
I'm heart-broken... and I understand.
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